Pelushka Persians

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one!

 

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.  No matter how legittimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too humiliating.  I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.  By then, I reasoned, I could think up a reason to explain the bandage on the top of my head. 

The accident happened mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitten. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.  Then one morning, I was taking my usual shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again.  Please come and reset it."

I protested through the shower pitter patter that she knew where the button was and could reset it herself.

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "Come on, it will only take you a second."  So out I came, dripping wet and stark naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.  Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.  It is the last action I remember performing!  It struck without warning and without any respect to my circumstances.  No it wasn't the disposal unit drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.  It was our new kitty who had discovered the fascinating new dangling objects.  She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink, and at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle sharp claws.  I lost all rational thought to control bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with 'fight or flight' syndrome, men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option.  I know this from experience.  I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeeded my ascent.  The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics were standing over me.  Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor naked in front of a group of 'been there, done that' paramedics.  Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all and a few days later made it back in to work where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.  I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.  "What's the matter?" they all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If only they knew!

 

Anon

 

 

FELINE LAWS

 

Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

 

Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

 

Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

 

Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

 

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

 

Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a

position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

 

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

 

Law of Cat Obstruction: A cat must lie on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

 

Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

 

Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Especially when guests are present.

 

Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

 

Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

 

Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

 

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

 

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light

 

Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

 

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

 

Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

 

Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

 

Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

 

Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

 

Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

 

Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

 

Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

 

Law of Cat Composition: A cat is of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter!!!

 

   

Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice.

They are small and camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag so they are hard to see.

But you can easily hear them, they make a crinkling noise as they scurry around the bag.

You must do anything, up to and including shredding the bag, to kill them, even if your owner makes a fuss about the mess!!                                       

                                                                          

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I would like to say, "No it's for guests!"

 

Buy a dog a toy and he will play with it forever.  Buy a cat a toy and he will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes!

Cat

Felis Catus

 

Size:    Similar to a Yorkshire Terrier when dry.
Unable to obtain data when wet.

Primary Prey:   Next doors cat food

Habitat:   Sofas, armchairs and beds.
Sometimes found in dark cupboards on freshly
laundered towels.

Popularity Status:   Gradually overtaking the dog as
favourite pet (in accordance with the feline master plan).

Distribution:   Domestic cats can be found wherever there
are caretakers (i.e., fools like you and me).

Notable features:   On occasions tear about like mad for no
apparent reason. Emit strange rumbling sounds when stroked.
Enjoy the feel of fabric on their paws and claws.

   

 

   Ad in American Newspaper

       

Free to good home - female cat or husband.

Husband says either he goes or cat goes.

Cat fixed, husband isn't.  

   

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   Sign in a veterinarian's office

 

      All children left unattended will be given a free kitten!

---

Sign at pet lovers home

They live here you don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes

Stay off the furniture!

---

• Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That’s a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
• Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
• Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
• Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
• Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
• Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
• If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
• Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
• This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
• Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
• Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
• Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
• Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
• Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
• Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
• Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
• Vacuum up loose fur (cats). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
• Take two aspirins and lie down.

Author Unknown

What is a breeder?

A Breeder (with a capital B) is one who thirsts for knowledge and never really knows it all, one who wrestles with decisions of conscience, convenience, and commitment. A Breeder is one who sacrifices personal interests, finances, time, friendships, fancy furniture, and deep pile carpeting! She gives up the dreams of a long, luxurious cruise in favour of turning that all important Show into this years "vacation". The Breeder goes without sleep (but never without coffee!) in hours spent planning a breeding or watching anxiously over the birth process, and afterwards, over every little sneeze, wiggle or cry. The Breeder skips dinner parties because that litter is due or the babies have to be fed at eight. She disregards birth fluids and puts mouth to mouth to save a gasping newborn, literally blowing life into a tiny, helpless creature that may be the culmination of a lifetime of dreams. A Breeders lap is a marvelous place where generations of proud and noble champions once snoozed. A Breeders hands are strong and firm and often soiled, but ever so gentle and sensitive to the thrusts of a kits wet nose. A Breeders back and knees are usually arthritic from stooping, bending, and sitting in the birthing box, but are strong enough to enable the breeder to Show the next choice kitten to a Grand Championship. A Breeders shoulders are stooped and often heaped with abuse from competitors, but they're wide enough to support the weight of a thousand defeats and frustrations. A Breeders arms are always able to wield a mop, support an armful of kittens, or lend a helping hand to a newcomer. A Breeders ears are wondrous things, sometimes red (from being talked about) or strangely shaped (from being pressed against a phone receiver), often deaf to criticism, yet always fine-tuned to the whimper of a sick kitten. A Breeders eyes are blurred from pedigree research and sometimes blind to her own cats faults, but they are ever so keen to the competitions faults and are always searching for the perfect specimen. A Breeders brain is foggy on faces, but it can recall pedigrees faster than a computer. It's so full of knowledge that sometimes it blows a fuse: it catalogues thousands of  fine ears and perfect heads... and buries in the soul the failures and the ones that didn't turn out. The Breeders heart is often broken, but it beats strongly with hope everlasting... and it's always in the right place! Oh, yes, there are breeders, and then, there are BREEDERS!!